Rules For Posting Your Pictures

1. Check the background. You think you’re showing me your studly glory, but we’re seeing cobwebs and a paint-by-number Jesus behind you. We can’t click away fast enough.

2. Clean up the room! No matter how hot you are, laundry on the bed is a wood kill.

3. About that wallpaper ... No. Just ... no. Ditto the paneling.

4. No pets. You’re creeping us out with that shit. We’re looking for a hot hard stud, not a screen full of you and your cockamamie cocker spaniel.

5. No shots of you holding out the camera to take the picture. Or your cell phone. Lame and lamer.

6. No pathetic bathroom mirror photos. They’re the shots that say, “I have no friends.”

7. Something we can see please. If we click on a thumbnail only to find out it’s not a thumbnail, that’s the real picture size, we’re moving on.

8. Along those lines, be in the foreground, please. We want to see you, not freaking Cinderella’s Castle.

9. Get a second opinion. You’re thinking “it’s an erotic picture,” we’re thinking “it’s a dork shot.” And you have only one eye open. Doofus.

10. When scheduling your shoot, select a day you don’t have ass zits.

11. No artsy effect shots. You’re auditioning for us, not the Metropolitan Museum.

12. Focus! What’s the point of a big ol’ blur except to warn us that, apparently, you need to be drunk to get naked?

13. No one looks attractive in a screen capture. Buy a camera.

14. Dim lights are good for romantic dinners otherwise just what are you hiding?

15. You’re wearing a Band-Aid? Are you kidding me?

16. If you’re gonna flex to make a muscle, have a muscle.

17. If it was taken 10 years ago, label it as such.

18. In your non-naked pictures, please consider: What. Are. You. Wearing?!?

19. Basically, the idea is, if your photos suck, don’t post ‘em! Select the good photos for a change. It’s about first impressions, people!

20. And post the damn photo right side up. Oh, wait. I guess it is. Never mind.

 

“It’s A Good Thing” Things To Do: 1. Shots of your extra weird fetish. We all like to be warned. Or intrigued. 2. Props help. A keyboard. A Coke can. You know what we’re talking about. 3. You in a suit. As far as we’re concerned, those are “before” pictures. 4. You and a friend in action. That’s a two-fer. 5. You in an exotic location. It gives us a subject for conversation. “And how did you enjoy Tikrit?”