BY SPARKY JOE

Let’s say you’re home alone on a Saturday night. And you’re horny. (Shocking, I know.) But it’s not just a run-of-the-mill Saturday night horniness you’ve got. This particular Saturday night you’re after something special. Something different. Let’s say you’re in the mood to have 10-12 well-built guys of different races come over, put on your old rugby shorts and pull off all over your face.

And what’s wrong with that?

Of course, scouring the local gayborhood for a rainbow-hued team of bukkake-inclined hunks would prove daunting to even the most incorrigible cruiser. But not with Craigslist.com at the ready. Yes, gentleman, Craigslist: A Tim-Burton-esque showcase of all the crazy, off-the-hook sex available in your surrounding zip codes at any given moment.

Started in San Francisco in 1995, Craigslist now services many U.S. cities. Of course, finding frisky locals for America’s gays wasn’t the original intention of Craiglist. Actually, I have no idea what that was… The only reason I’ve ever gone to the site is to scour the listings for free Thai massages, college boys who need web photos taken and fatherly types who’ll rub my feet.

Of course, if your goals are simpler, and all you want is a blow job and a beer, that flies too. But, for my money, where Craigslist really excels is in the area of freakiness, fetish and outrageous role-play. For instance, here’s a posting I saw there recently: “Pimp My Hole and Keep the Money.” Attention grabbing, no? I bet the guy that posted that ad found the cash-keeping pimp of his dreams.

But no matter what your fantasies, from the most banal to the most bananas, Craigslist is the most immediate, democratic way to say “Hi, y’all!” to anyone in your surrounding area without leaving the couch. It’s free, there are no lengthy profiles to enter. Heck, you don’t even have to create a screen name. In a few moments Craigslist sends your sex posting into cyberworld to be pursued by other like-minded sex bots in your area.

I know, I know -- I can hear the groans from here: Craigslist is amateur hour. Any old bonehead can post an ad and start living la vida loca. Many people don’t even post photos with their ads! In this day and age that’s simply unacceptable, right? Listen, I feel you. But to me it’s exactly this faceless sprawl of lust, longing and -- of course -- raging ego (“Eat me, finger me, fuck me, I’m worth it”) that keeps me coming back for more. If you need the structure and gloss that Manhunt.net, Adam4Adam.com, etc. provide, you do NOT have the Craigslist we’re-all-in-this-for-fun-and-whatever spirit.

Let me put it this way: Craigslist appeals to the immediate, the not-very-thought through and that old classic, the “really bad impulse you might want to count to 10 before exploring.” You can post an ad saying you want to be plowed by six transgendered pygmies one minute, but you can also easily remove it the next.

Craigslist is all about the moment, people.

And, yes, we all know how bad, wrong and downright not cute the moment can sometimes be. But we also know it’s the roll of the dice that can make for an especially hot surprise, ignite the imagination and maybe even open us up to sex possibilities we hadn’t considered.

I could write more about the glories of this site, but I have to get ready. Two guys dressed like unicorns are coming over to handcuff me to the upstairs toilet.

Thank you, Craigslist!

Illustration By Iceman: Iceman_blue222@yahoo.com, http://www.icemanblue.com/