Three of a Kind

Three Big Heads And Three Little Heads Collide

BY TEEJAY

Two is a good time, but three is a party. At least to me anyway, a three-way chaser from way back.

My first three-way occurred in a tiny fishing village off the coast of Croatia. I wish. It actually occurred in the garage of the house where I grew up. It had as its participants my smoked-out next door neighbor and his older cousin who was visiting from Portland. We didn’t know we were having a three-way, we just thought we were killing time before our moms called us inside for tuna noodle casserole. But ah, the time we killed -- and the ground we covered.

My poor father. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he lifted that garage door to tell me dinner was on the table.

But then one grows up and puts away childish things. Or most of them anyway. In the case of three-ways -- or ménage à trois for the fancier ones among us -- I was hooked. I’ve spent the years since that sweaty three-pronged episode scouring the world for others who want to get naked and get busy in a triangular fashion. It ain’t easy -- especially if you want to do it right. It takes a certain alchemy to get a class-A three-way going. You’ve got to have three peeps with can-do attitudes, no cranks, and a peppy “let’s dive in and see what happens” spirit. Rigid tops and bossy bottoms step to the back of the line. You need to be good, giving and game. And if you are, the rewards are many.

To start with, three-ways give us a sublime feeling that is nowhere else attainable on this earth. I’m speaking, of course, of the feeling that occurs when one person sucks your cock while another person pounds your hole. This is what’s known as teamwork. It is, as my kindergarten teacher taught me, cooperation. The coming together (and cumming together) of people for the greater good of all. And isn’t that what life’s all about?

But three-ways are not everybody’s cup of tea. Couples, for instance, can run into all kinds of drama when one wants to bring in a third and the other doesn’t (because one is open to life’s opportunities and the other is a punishing twat who never likes to have any fun). One must then accept their lover’s limits (even though it sucks and why is he such a fucking cunt?) and keep three-ways an incredibly hot and out-of-reach (until I drop his whiney, frigid ass) fantasy.

But even for some carefree single types three-ways just don’t work. I have a friend who would swing naked from a White House chandelier with a four-foot dildo sticking out of his ass, but finds three-ways intimidating. “You never know who’s doing what to whom, who wants what, if you’re insulting one by paying more attention to another...” and on and on he bellyaches. He thinks he’s about to suck face and he ends up tea-bagging. It’s all terribly disorienting for him.

But that’s what’s soooo delicious about three-ways! The tumble of bodies, like laundry in a washer, the shifting dynamics as participants couple and then change, the do-si-do, the body part you didn’t expect to see zooming fast toward your mouth, and the question that inevitably follows: How do I put my mouth on that while staying inside the other guy’s sweet, sweet hole?

No question, you need to think fast on your feet in three-ways. If you’re into feet that helps too. Another friend laments that he’s always the one sucking toes in three-ways, treated like the ugly step-sister, and relegated to nibbling on the outskirts -- so he’s given up. What a shame.

Of course the fear of being left out has kept many worthy participants from the ménage game. And without question a part of you has to be a voyeur, or comfortable with it, when three people land in bed. You can’t be everywhere at once. (Again I’m reminded how my kindergarten teacher’s many lessons apply to ménages à trois). Sometimes you are on the sidelines, sometimes you are cheerleader, lube getter or, in certain cases, cameraman.

But what pray tell is so bad about that? You’ll have views you’ve never seen, time to catch your breath, take a sip of whatever has been left bedside, and fluff your hair. If you can chill wit dat you can certainly find your opening (cough, cough) and get back in the game just as one player is hitting the benches. The lulls in three-person sex are less frequent in two -- it’s constant, flowing energy -- the vinyasa of sex acts. Everybody is helping everybody. Which again reminds me of my kindergarten teacher. You know what? He was pretty hot. I can imagine him mounting my smoked-out next door neighbor from behind while I ambidextrously give both handjobs ....

Hmm ... I wonder if they’re on MySpace?

Illustration by Michael Broderick » Hottlead.com

 

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