7. Rubber trumps cotton in your clothes closet.

8. You go on ski trips because you like to put your truck’s tires in chains. Yo, Toyota Tundra, who’s your daddy? Who is your daddy?

9. Your ass has had more metal in it than a kitchen at Denny’s. Can you talk about having a Grand Slam?

10. Now that she’s been sprung from the hoosgaw, you’re hoping for a Martha Stewart Jail Living to get published. It’s a good thing.

11. You carry a manicure kit at all times just in case you meet up with a big-handed bloke.

12. When little children see you on the street, they sometimes ask if it is Halloween. It usually isn’t. It could just be any random Saturday night and you’re out on a date.

13. You think of Hun Comics as light, even romantic reading. You often curl up with a copy by the fire.

14. Your mother used to always find her missing clothespins in your bedroom. She had the good sense to never ask you the reason why they were often in your bed and sometimes greasy.

15. You smell like a brand new car.

16. Your brand new car smells like an old cigar.

17. Your old cigar smells like your new trick’s branded ass.

18. Your new trick’s branded ass smells like you. (see #15)

19. You’re such a connoisseur, you can tell the difference between imported and domestic beer when your trick wets you down. And don’t mean from the bottle.

20. There is an additional rider on your home insurance policy to cover your jock strap and underwear collection.

21. For as long as you can remember, you have not sent a greeting card – be it birthday, wedding, Mother’s Day, Hanukkah - that hasn’t had a picture of a man dressed in some sort of fetish gear.

22. Three security guards escorted you out of the Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, Italy, after you tried several times to spank David’s cute marble bubble butt. Still, it wasn’t all bad. Before they tossed you on the sidewalk, you managed to give them your hotel room number for later.

23. You were surprised to hear people smuggle drugs in containers shoved up their asses. You’ve done that for years with spare change.

24. You bought an industrial-strength sling for your new home before thinking of a refrigerator or sofa.