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By Garrett Shriver

Images Courtesy of SX-Toys.com

I wonder who was the first horny man to make a fake dick?

Was it a Barney Rubble type using some dinosaur part? Maybe his buddy Fred was busy at the Water Buffalo Lodge that night and Barns had an itch in his prehistoric butt. “Hmmm,” he thinks, “here is a T-Rex's leg bone. Will it do the job? Ahhhh. It does.”

Or maybe the first dildos were the result of the agrarian age's growing bounty. A salacious salad bar of fat cucumbers and long pieces of rhubarb. And not to forget our ancestors from the steamy jungles and their handy dandy banana as cock, papaya as butt plug.

Whatever the history, ass toys have evolved and the choices are now many when it comes to size, color and functionality. Need help picking the one or ones for your toy chest? Here are a few to consider:

Inflatable Dildo

What a clever product of engineering. Not only did someone design a hot dog that plumps when you cook it, but now there is a fake dick that plumps when you pump it. A good choice for those who want to insert and pretend their man is growing inside them. The graduated payment plan.

Dildo With Suction Cup

Look, Ma, no hands! Slap this baby to the floor or the wall. It stays put while you have your way with it. Great for those who want to pursue a hobby (building model airplanes, practicing the clarinet, knitting and so on) while ass playing.

Manrammer

Oh lordy! This one is for your serious Ass Master. The very utilitarian handle at the holding end makes for ease of control. No slippery fake balls to contend with. This demon's close resemblance to a billy club also lends itself well for a variety of security guard/bad cop/riot police fantasies.

XX Large Butt Plug

Words escape me. Measuring in at a sphincter-splitting 15-inch circumference, this is not for the novice. I believe you need a permit from the Department of Transportation before tunneling with this. Use with care, or at least with lots of poppers.

Bump Plug

This model can serve a dual purpose: Ass toy and holiday decoration. Some twinkle lights, a little green paint and you got yourself a nifty Christmas tree to add to your tabletop Nativity set.

Double Headed

There is an old adage about how sad it is when two bottoms try to hook up: Two holes and no poles means no goal. Not so with this serpent. Each man can slide one end in and off they go to score, top man be denied.