He Is Not Ward Cleaver, That's For Sure

Story By TeeJay

Illustration by Michael Broderick (hottlead.com)

Don't you sometimes want to be picked up and twirled like a baton by some big guy? Someone with bulging biceps and dinner plate nipples? To wait like a good boy on the couch until he comes home from work, his tie loosened and his armpits damp, all musky with sweat? To shout out when he finally arrives: “Oh, Daddy! I love your broad shoulders and your strong back! The way your mustache tickles my nose! You smell like a man! You know how to use tools! You like the garage!”

But wait. Maybe you are one of those Daddies, in which case you want to be treated right when you walk in the door after a hard day's work, dammit. You insist on paying the bills, you want everything just so, you don't want any backtalk, and at the end of the day all you want to do is watch TV with your feet up while sipping an ice cold beer that's close at hand.

How hot is that?

See, Daddyness isn't just a physical trait; it's a state of mind. In fact, these days if you're the right type you can even be a Daddy when you're in your 20s. What is the right type you ask? Daddies, of course, know exactly what the right type is. They know everything. That's one of the things that make them Daddies. So be careful not to cross Daddy. He might put you to work shining his shoes -- or scrubbing the kitchen floor (in your jockstrap).

OK, so you Daddies know who you are. But what about those seeking their very own Daddy? They need to know Daddies come in several types.

The Businessman Daddy

Think Hathaway button-down shirts, softball on the weekends, a kid from an early marriage and a golden retriever. These Daddies are often found pouring over their work in their home office. They watch 60 Minutes and appreciate gentle backrubs. Perhaps not the most exciting Daddy, they are nonetheless the picture of dependability. In other words: the marrying kind -- and all that comes with it. You might only get sex 2.5 times a week (if you're lucky) but you'll never go hungry with this Daddy. If you're searching for Businessman Daddy, he is most likely found on your condo board or at the neighborhood Staples store stocking up on large envelopes.

The Dock Worker Daddy

Now we're talking excitement. This Daddy is weathered from the sun, with hands the size of catcher's mitts. He's constantly crammed into some seriously faded Levis, and from the looks of things he's hung like a Clydesdale. For conversation, he grunts. And you better keep the yammering to a minimum too 'cause this Daddy likes his boys quiet -- and built to ride. Cruise any incoming oceanliner for these sturdy gents. They're usually lifting heavy crates, mopping their sweat-soaked brows and tearing their shirts off in the hot afternoon sun.

The Bear Daddy

One of the classics. The Bear Daddy may or may not be looking for his cub, but from the way he fills out those butt-less chaps you know he's constantly looking for honey. Traditionally hairy all over, this Daddy could have stepped out of a Tom of Finland cartoon: muscle draped in cowhide and studded with metal. Bear Daddy smells like a delectable combination of beer, B.O and piss. If you're looking to land a Bear Daddy, you might first check the local gayborhood leather emporium. Bear Daddies are also sighted in rural areas wherever animal skins are tanned. Sometimes they can be found chained to basement walls. Always, always, always approach a Bear Daddy with caution. And maybe a bucket of chicken.

The Hippie Daddy

Hippie Daddy is the lean, eco-sensitive Daddy. All vegan-y, he's probably living off the land and most likely growing some serious chronic in his garden. He's that naked dude you always see at the quarry. He's way into massage, tantric yoga and realigning your charkas (with one finger up your ass). You'll find Hippie Daddy at the neighborhood food co-op, or out back searching through the compost for the patchouli he's misplaced. In more recent years he's been found x-ed off his tits at outdoor music events like Coachella. But be careful: he may look wholesome, but that doesn't mean his yurt isn't stocked with dildos and poppers.

The Silver Fox Daddy

For my money, this is the apex of Daddy-dom. Anderson Cooper has this market cornered. Think European, Armani tailoring and, of course, the requisite silver dome. He's a glittering, metallic mop top, alright, and he's looking to top you. In other good news, the Silver Fox Daddy makes six figures without lifting one manicured finger. He's most easily spotted in and around country clubs, yacht slips and mahogany paneled boardrooms. These Daddies can be deceiving, however. They might look all George Clooney from the outside, but inside they are just as depraved as other, less elegant, Daddies.

Of course there are other types and subsets of Daddies, but I'll let you take it from here, Daddy-seeker. Remember, the best things about Daddies -- no matter which one you choose -- is the confidence they exude, the experience they bring to the table, and the way they flip you over as easily as a pancake on Sunday morning.

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